In The Looney Bin After a 6 Month Drug Binge

Blade shares a raw, unfiltered account of his six-month battle with severe anxiety, including a four-day stay in a psychiatric facility and his struggle with medication side effects. We explore the contradiction of having to quit almost everything in life while refusing to give up daily Mountain Dew.

• Our relationship with moderation and why some people struggle with the "just one" mentality
• The unexpected onset of panic attacks that feel like heart attacks and the emergency room experience
• Cycling through multiple antidepressants that made symptoms progressively worse
• Being committed to a psychiatric facility and the fear of never getting out
• Experiencing horrific, vivid dreams as medication side effects
• Finding your way back to normal by weaning off medications
• The surprising joy of feeling irritated after months of emotional numbness

For all Blade content, visit bobtheblade.com

Chapters

• 0:06 Bob the Blade's Music Knowledge Dilemma
• 1:27 The Mountain Dew Addiction
• 3:36 Tired of Quitting Everything
• 7:11 Six-Month Anxiety Nightmare Begins
• 11:02 Inside the Psychiatric Facility
• 16:35 Terrifying Dreams and Finding Normal Again

Transcript

Blade: 0:06

Hey, here we are, let's do this. It is the Blade Video Podcast and here he is, bob the Blade. This always mystifies me about me. It's like as much as I know my music, which I do. I know all kinds of music. You know lots of it. Tough to find someone that knows as much as I do. I know all kinds of music. You know lots of it. Tough to find someone that knows as much as I do, especially about rock music.

Blade: 0:31

Tell you anything I never can get the years right. When did that album come out? I don't know. The geeks out there they'll know when it was number one. If you can tell me when every song was number one and what week, I don't want to talk anymore to you. As soon as I find out that someone knows Casey Kasem's top 40 and they know when the song was number one, I don't really want to talk anymore. It's a different thing than what I did for all those years Keeping track of the top 40 hits with Casey Kasem. Keeping track of the top 40 hits with Casey Kasem, you know and playing album tracks on WQDR and WRDU for all those years. Two different things, but still, I can't tell you what years Played Winger.

Blade: 1:14

You know which I love, can't Get Enough and I know that's all part of the big hair scene in the late 80s, early 90s right which I totally loved. I would have said 92, but it was 1990. Had to look it up. You know it's Mountain Dew. But I switched over to Baja. I've had a Mountain Dew every day of my life since I was 18. I can't quit that. I can't quit soft drinks. I love soft drinks. You know to the point of the fact where I know the best ones and I know the worst ones. Best soft drink ever is Mountain Dew and I think I've come to a milestone where I've changed over to Baja Mountain Dew. Baja is the greatest soft drink you can get, especially in 120 degrees in the summer. What a thirst quencher it is, how good it feels going down. I'm switching over to Baja from regular Mountain Dew and the worst soft drink by far ever is Sprite. Never liked it, not even the first sip. You know where everyone says after the first sip of everything it's always so good, the first sip and the first bite of everything you ever do is great, and after that sprite, not even the first sip is good. You know, I'm not going to try to quit it, brooklyn, I'm not going to try to quit it. That's one thing. I will not quit caffeine and I will not quit. And that is caffeine. Trust me, I will not quit Mountain Dew. I'm not just not going to, I have to quit everything. I always have to quit something.

Blade: 2:58

I, at this point in my life, am sick and tired of quitting everything. Sick and tired of quitting everything Smoking, drinking, pills. You know drugs. You know partying. You know I can't do anything anymore. I got to quit everything.

Blade: 3:16

I start, you know why? Because I overdo it. I can't do anything sparingly. Moderation is overrated. Always my motto Go big or go home. I'm still like that.

Blade: 3:35

But as I get older, now I'm starting to realize the value of the years of life that I have left. So I've got to fucking behave. But can I have Mountain Dew, please? God, I don't want a cigarette. I know I can't have just one.

Blade: 3:58

The cravings don't end. I haven't smoked in a year. You know Vape Nothing Used to vape a little bit. I still have these monster cravings. I've got to pack downstairs Just in case I decide Fuck it.

Blade: 4:17

Listen, I've got a plan with all the guys that are my age, guys that are my age, guys that are my age, that when I get into the rest home I'm trying to recruit, to get all the guys to go into the rest home with me, that are my age, that I've known for 40, 50 years, trying to recruit. Let's all go to the same rest home, I don't care where it is. I've got books that I've cut out the insides of. You know, I've got smugglers ready to smuggle in many bottles, bags of pot, lsd, fifths of vodka or any kind of liquor, I don't care. You know whatever kind of drug you can fit in that squared out box of that book that you're going to give me, that I'm going to read. That's what I'm going to do in the rest home until I go. If I have to be stuck in a wheelchair in a rest home, you know I am going to go big, go big when you go home. That's how I'm going to spend those days of my life.

Blade: 5:24

My buddy, steve Conley, his dad's 94 and he's in a rest home and he, he goes out and he hanging in there being as nice as he can. Let's put it that way. Am I right, connie, sick of quitting everything? Man, I'm one of those guys, I have to quit everything. Hey, who, who, who out there never has to quit anything. You never think about it. You're just a regular guy. I'm along. You're not grateful. All of us that quit. We're all grateful because we're alive and we saved ourselves. I mean, you're just probably can't be grateful because you're too perfect and there's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Blade: 6:11

I was telling somebody about my little anxiety attack that I had for the past six months. Little anxiety for six months. Some barbecue at a pool somewhere, you know Telling some girl a little bit about that. I try to keep it short. Some barbecue at a pool somewhere, you know telling some girl a little bit about that. I try to keep it short. You know, I save all that personal stuff for the show, for you all. It's trying to keep it short.

Blade: 6:36

And then she's looking at me and she feels and faints or lacks like she's interested, you know, and I'm telling her. And then she goes right, right in the middle of it, 15 words in, and the minute I hear that I just turn around and walk off. Why do people do that, right? What does that mean? What does that mean, right? Does that mean you don't care what I'm saying, which is rude, you know. Does that mean you don't know what I'm saying? Does that mean you don't know what to'm saying? Does that mean you don't know what to say? What does that mean when people do that? Someone said that to me 20 years ago and I was real put off by it for some reason, I don't know why, and it just made me feel gross inside, right.

Blade: 7:21

The minute someone says that I'll turn and find someone else to tell my long-winded story to, that may have a better do a better job at feigning interest. But damn it, let me tell you, man, I got to the point where I was put into a loony bin because of anxiety, into an actual loony bin with jail cell doors, slam them, lock them, check in on you, you know, make sure you haven't hung yourself. That's right, you know, I was in that place for four days only, but this whole thing went on for six months because I had a panic attack at first, went to the emergency room in December, you know, and I thought I had a heart attack. I thought I was about to and I thought I had a heart attack. I thought I was about to die. I thought it was a heart attack.

Blade: 8:08

Most people will tell you when they have a panic attack they think it's a heart attack. Felt the same. I had a heart attack in 22,. Felt the same. But they don't tell you anything in the emergency room. They don't make any diagnoses, you know, or give you any kind of prescriptions.

Blade: 8:24

If you had a domestic violence, you know twist, you know they're just going to stitch you up where she stabbed you right here. You know, if your gang got into a big turf war, it'll take the bullet out of your shoulder, you know. So you can go home that night. You know, if you OD'd or something, they'll give you that in a Voxelone or whatever it is. Wake your ass up, send you home, that's it, you know. And they're walking out of the triage and the guy says if he thinks that I'm going to keep him overnight here in the hospital for observation just because he's had a panic attack, he's crazy.

Blade: 8:58

And I didn't even know it had a panic attack. And so I said, ah, it's just a panic attack and in 45 minutes I was home. That, and in 45 minutes I was home. That should be it, right? No, I had anxiety attacks for a week. They said, it happens to guys my age. A lot Happens to guys for the first time at age 30, you know, and 60, they say, for whatever reason, finally went to the doctor and they put me on some antidepressant. Because, you know, anxiety gives you depression, it does Went to a doctor. Finally, you know, anxiety gives you depression, it does Went to a doctor. Finally, you know that I could get an appointment.

Blade: 9:34

It took a week and they put me on some antidepressant I forget the name of it. Right, made things worse. And the bottom line is the kicker is you got to wait four to five weeks for it to kick into your body to be effective. And I waited my four or five weeks diligently and it got worse. 40 minute anxiety attacks, two or three a day. I had to sit on a couch, you know, in my studio by myself all day, you know. So it didn't bother anyone, you know. So it didn't bother anyone, you know. And they'd switch me from antidepressant to antidepressant, to another, to another, to another. But after the third one it got really so bad. Okay, I'm fed up with this. None of these things are working.

Blade: 10:22

I went to the emergency room and they're grilling me. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. You know, trying to get me to admit that I'm, you know, homicidal. You know that I will hurt someone or hurt myself, you know. So they can admit me to the kooky bin. And I never admitted anything like that. But they ended up putting me in the kooky bin anyway and they said do you want psychiatrists? I'm like, yes, they're the ones that know pharmaceuticals. None of y'all know pharmaceuticals. Well, tell me anything about it. Yes, I want a psychiatrist. And so they put me in some ambulance, sent me to North Scottsdale, where there were plenty of psychiatrists in the kooky bin. Fuck, you don't even know what a place like that is unless you've been in one.

Blade: 11:04

Listen, my dad, his brain this is a really sad story. It stopped working the right way. Dad, his brain this is a really sad story. It stopped working the right way, you know. And when he was 40, 40 to 46, and he died in one of those places, we'd visit him, tears, cry the whole time. Never got, he would too finally died in one of those places.

Blade: 11:26

Brandy, my brother schizophrenic he's been, and I laugh because he's a pisser you'd enjoy being around him. He's got this great medication and his voices and his head are still there. You know, and I swear to you, and I've always said this, the voices in his head are not gangsters telling him to go up and shoot up communities and neighborhoods and schools. The voices in his head are comedians. They're stand-up comedians telling jokes, because all he does is laugh and repeat their jokes. He steals them from the voices in his head and we all laugh. But he's in a home now.

Blade: 11:59

But he was in one of those kooky bins, or two or three or four or nine of them, I don't know. I'd have to take him to him and admit him, you know. And they're there, doors slamming. You know, three hots in a cot, medication three times daily. You can't do anything or wear anything, localities, and that's what I was in.

Blade: 12:21

I was like guys, look, I just have anxiety. What the hell am I doing here? You know how long am I going to be here for? And this nightmare that I'm going to every night. I slept there three, four nights every night I'm thinking, wow, I'm going to be here like my dad and my brother. I'm going to end up. I'll never go home. I'm going to stay here for the rest of my life and I go outside to get my medication at 630 in the morning.

Blade: 12:46

If I could sleep that night, you know, and there'd be three or four guys surrounding the poor women. They're trying to give out all the medications to everybody, saying you, stupid bitches, you don't know what the hell you're doing, you don't know us, you don't even know, you don't even like us. What the hell are you doing here, totally accosting them, aggressive, nasty, mean, nasty, mean. Then the security guys come in, you know, and all the women and all the new people, or all the guys and girls, are coming up at me in my face like eight, nine, ten of them. You got any smokes, you got any cigarettes, you got any pot, you got any pills, you know, all day. So I sat in my room, locked in, you know, had my medication, the food was good there. Now I'll tell you that for four days.

Blade: 13:31

Finally, case manager comes in on the fourth day and he says, hey, I see a. This was interesting. He said, hey, I see a light in your eyes. What's the deal? And I told him the story, you know, and it was quick, not as long as this one. It's almost over. What's the deal? Told him, and he said all right, I'm going to give you something. He gave me a couple of prescriptions, three or four prescriptions, and said I'll get you out of here tomorrow. It's that light in your eye and I know you're going to go home and you're going to be better. I said thank you and you don't even know how happy and relieved I was. I'm never going back there, man, I hope. Wow. And he sent me home, but three months later it was still coming.

Blade: 14:15

They were giving me these antidepressants. They made it worse and worse and worse. I was going through all the effects that you get with these antidepressants that you see in the captions on the commercials. All of them those suicidal thoughts, absolutely you know vivid dreams, absolutely you know sleep problems, yes, appetite problems, everything. I went through this emotional upheaval. I was just like crying. You know for what reason? I didn't know. You know and you don't know what thoughts you have are real and you don't know what thoughts you have are real and you don't know what thoughts you have are not real. Horrible way to go.

Blade: 14:50

So for six months I sat on a couch, flat lined out. After all the medication 100 milligrams a day of antidepressant stuff I would just sit there and stare, no interest in anything. Now I can see how that could be effective for serial murderers and killers out there. So I sat there for six months and just stared. I didn't watch TV, I didn't really eat, you know. I'd get up, and every now and then I'd turn on the water sprinkler or do the dishes and that's it, flatline. Now, look man, I don't have a whole lot to offer this world. But I'll tell you one thing I do have is a little bit somewhat of an engaging personality, and I made a living off of that for many years, 30 plus years. Somewhat engaging personality, that's all I have. And, believe me, when you're eating 100 milligrams a day of you know sertraline sitting on a couch, you don't have that. That's all I've got. I have nothing.

Blade: 15:48

Finally went to the guy and said look man, what are we going to do? I feel so bad Six months. He said all right, this is my secret weapon. I've been saving it for you. Well, buterin, he says let's give it a shot, let's give it a whirl. And this is a guy that's bouncing off the walls. He says'll be doing it for life. It'll make you happy, and you know it's. It's a just a fantastic, you know last resort. So let's do it. And I was like, well, okay, I don't want to be bouncing off the walls and I don't want any medication, I don't want any dope. Can't believe I was saying that, but I was and I meant it. I don't want any dope. Can't believe I was saying that, but I was and I meant it.

Blade: 16:35

Very first night I'm waking up. I'm up at three o'clock in the morning because I've had this dream, this very high definition dream, very high clarity dream. On this backdrop, everything's a backdrop right With me in the video business, you know, window backdrop, the green screen backdrop, the dresser drawer backdrop, the studio backdrop, the TV you know all these backdrops. But it's this beautiful, golden light, charlatan, cutlass sword that's like curled and pointed at the end. You know what I mean. And it's going around and around and around, real slow, and every time the pointed part comes to my face it throws blood spatter everywhere. And it was a beautiful sword.

Blade: 17:17

I'm saying it was one of those swords that Blackbeard may use, you know, or Ali Baba and Abu Dhai, or whatever Battle sword or something like that, you know, and I sat there and watched it, you know, and after about four or five spins of that thing, my backdrop was completely red with blood and I said all right enough, okay, I got it. I got it. And I woke up Wow, what was that, what just happened. And I woke up Wow, what was that, what just happened. And I couldn't get back to sleep. Three hours later, maybe at six o'clock in the morning, I got back to sleep and the dream continues and it's an aerial drone view looking down into the desert and there's 15, 20 men running around like a swarm of ants and they're all bloodied, every one of them. Some are beheaded, and they're running around like crazy blood everywhere.

Blade: 18:13

I wake up and I'm did I do that? Did I do all that? And I am telling you, son, right here and right now. I don't know if I actually did that in real life or if it was a dream. Okay, enough of this, you know. And I went to my doctor that day. I said look, I'm coming in. Well, no, I'm sorry. No, I'm coming in. Yeah, I'm sorry, he's out for lunch and he's gonna be full sled and I'm coming in. And I did. And he was there and he met me and he said what happened. And I have never seen this guy shut up the way he did when I told him that story. I told him the story of that dream and he sat here like this, completely fascinated. I said I'm taking myself off all of these drugs, I'm going to wean myself off. And because that's why it is, that's why all this is happening to all these drugs, this is okay. And so after a month I'd weaned myself off.

Blade: 19:09

This made it to six months 100 milligrams of 75 to 50 to 25, to nothing. And I woke up one morning three weeks ago and I felt normal. Here's how I know. I felt normal Because I went outside and my stupid sprinkler were sideways spraying water up and spraying water into the ground, and I hate that Pisses me off when it does that because the hose is crooked. I have to go turn the hose and make sure I'm not pissed, and that may be friends. The first time I felt anything in six months, damned irritable bastard that I am. I was happy because I was so irritated. Hey, we will catch you next episode when the brutalist makes his debut. All Blade content is found on bodthebladecom. Bye for now, thank you.